


Held

by intoapuddle



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, mostly just a dash of "horny for commitment" here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 01:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19843006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoapuddle/pseuds/intoapuddle
Summary: Post-event anxiety and some ways in which Dan can make Phil feel better when it happens.He will find the good moments in his mind’s eye eventually, and surely forget the bad ones, but for now he wants to separate himself from the anxious residue the exposure has left him with.





	Held

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yikesola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/gifts).



> HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE <3
> 
> I hope you have an amazing day, because that's what you deserve! Thank you for blessing us all with your incredible writing and for being such a nice, positive light in fandom throughout the hiatus and beyond <3

There are vast empty fields of sand and palm trees flickering by that Phil can’t focus on.

He barely listens to the quiet conversation from the front seat. It isn’t meant for his ears, and it isn’t not meant for his ears, but he would like to focus on something other than the mental hangover of Vidcon and the steadily increasing nausea blurring his vision.

Phil glances to the side, at Dan looking out his window, phone held up as he records a video. He is appreciating the view. He has his headphones on over his ears and a focused frown on his face that Phil knows means he is deep in thought, but not the troubling kind of depth he often succumbs to.

There isn’t much to tell the distinction. Maybe it’s in the way he relaxes his shoulders instead of tensing them. Maybe it’s the puffiness of his bottom lip, free from bite marks after not having been chewed on for a few days. Maybe it isn’t about Phil having good perception at all, but context. These past few days have been great for Dan.

It isn’t like Phil’s Vidcon experience was bad. He enjoyed himself well enough, almost as much as Dan.

The exhaustion from socialisation comes differently to him, though. While Dan powers through for the days that he has to, plastering a smile on his face and keeping himself alert and willingly connects to the people around him, Phil has to remind himself to smile. 

The resulting hangovers they both suffer are similar, and different. Phil knows that when they finally get back home, Dan will have to retreat into his own space to catch his breath. Phil feels the exact opposite when they get home after things like this; he wants Dan in his space with no pause because now he can be himself with his partner and he no longer has to perform. 

Performance lingers in Dan. He has to be alone for a while to stop.

Phil is going to be fine, soon enough. They just need to stop this car and have a meal and take a walk for him to stop twisting interactions over in his head and to stop comparing himself to other people. But for now, he feels like shit.

Dan puts his phone down and glances back at Phil. He must see something, because he reaches out and squeezes his hand with a question asked behind his eyes. Phil shakes his head. No, they don’t need to stop. No, he doesn’t have to get out _now_ or else he’ll have a panic attack.

Phil squeezes back. It is nice to have a person beside him that asks, and would tend to his needs if he said yes.

Dan gives him a long look that Phil has to look away from. His hand remains inside Dan’s.

“We need to stop the car,” Dan pipes up. “He’s not feeling well.”

Thankfully, Martyn knows Phil well, too. He takes one look back from the driver’s seat to assess severity, or maybe he just pretends to. Either way, he gives the answer Phil most want to hear.

“Five minutes,” Martyn says. “Think you can manage that?”

He looks into Phil’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Phil remembers to smile.

“Yeah,” he nods, then immediately looks at Dan, hoping he is conveying the calm he doesn’t necessarily feel but wants to.

Dan squeezes his hand. He mouths a ‘sorry’ when Martyn looks back at the road. Cornelia is in her own world, or she’s sleeping, either way she’s silent. Phil shakes his head at Dan. He doesn’t have the energy to feel upset, and maybe he wouldn’t even if he did. Dan means well. He doesn’t mean to put Phil on the spot and display his emotional state against his will - he is just more adamant about Phil’s well-being than Phil is.

Phil squeezes back. Dan sits up straight and stretches his back, ready for them to leave the car in a few minutes.

It feels good to leave the car - the air here isn’t as breathable as the toxic cold of London - but it feels good.

Phil smiles, without the need of a mental reminder, and the four of them get to a diner to eat. They aren’t far enough from LA to be in the safe zone from fans, but that doesn’t matter. They get a few looks as they sit down, but Phil has learned that sometimes that has more to do with Dan’s all black attire than it does with fame.

The day goes well, but once night time comes and they settle into their hotel room Phil really gets to breathe for the first time since Friday. He breathes in the last few days, and exhales them in one go. Part of him wants to put them behind. He will find the good moments in his mind’s eye eventually, and surely forget the bad ones, but for now he wants to separate himself from the anxious residue the exposure has left him with.

Phil stands up once Dan leaves the bathroom, and holds his arms out. Dan walks into them without a word, as if pulled in by an invisible force.

Phil settles his arms around Dan’s back and sighs. Dan’s arms snake around his waist. He kisses Phil’s neck faintly, a mere brush of lips, and Phil makes a soft noise in return. He is holding Dan more than Dan is holding him, but then Dan stands up taller and puts his hand on the back of Phil’s head, gently coaxing him to rest his head against his shoulder.

Dan likes to be smaller. He likes being held.

So when he does this, straightens to his full height and allows Phil to be the smaller one, it means that he thinks Phil really needs it. Maybe that’s true, Phil doesn’t know. It does feel nice, though, when Dan’s fingers sweep across his jawline and up the side of his face.

“You good?” Dan whispers.

Dan doesn’t pull away, so Phil doesn’t either.

“Mmh.” It’s not a response, really. “I don’t know.”

“You did well,” Dan says.

He has told him that a lot since Phil’s Q&A. Even before Phil showed off his nerves. Phil can’t know for certain that what he feels _is_ nerves, or anxiety. All he knows is that whatever feeling it gives him upon thinking back, it is heavy enough for him to want to repress.

It isn’t that big a deal. Phil is fine. It’s just a lot.

“D’you think we’ll get married in Vegas?”

Phil laughs. He doesn’t look up. Dan’s responding chuckle feels warm against his cheek.

“Yeah,” Phil jokes. “Definitely.”

At that, Dan moans obscenely. Phil has to look up now. Dan only pulls out his dramatics when he really wants attention.

Dan looks back with a shit-eating grin. He shuts his eyes theatrically, tilts his head back a bit, and moans again. It’s kind of hot. But Phil takes a step out of their embrace anyway and pushes his hand over Dan’s stupid mouth.

“Shh,” Phil hushes him aggressively. “My brother’s next door.”

Dan’s next moan vibrates against Phil’s hand.

“Mmh, gag me,” he says.

“I knew you’d say that!” Phil exclaims, pushing his hand tighter over Dan’s mouth. “Quiet down, they’ll seriously think we’re having sex.”

“Is that not what you were going for?” Dan asks, spluttering against Phil’s mouth. “This is foreplay, Phil. Marriage makes me so _hot_.”

“A Vegas wedding makes you feel hot?” Phil asks, incredulous, and retrieves his hand when he’s mostly sure Dan won’t make another noise.

He shakes his head. “ _Marriage_ makes me hot, Phil, not the wedding. Fuck the wedding, we might as well sign the papers and have it all done online for all I care.”

Phil has to laugh again. Dan is consciously changing the subject to something lighter, sensing Phil’s emotions as always, and the relief Phil feels comes out in breathy giggles.

“I think I prefer a Vegas wedding to an online wedding,” Phil muses.

“Oh, Phil, you’re gonna make me _come_ ,” Dan says, going for loud again, abso-fucking-lutely asking for it.

Phil pushes his hand over Dan’s mouth with so much force Dan loses his balance and sits down on the edge of the bed. Phil takes the opportunity to sit down on his lap, knees on either side, pushing his hands into Dan’s hair. Dan grabs Phil’s ass with fervour.

Phil leans in for a kiss, and the silly laughter rolling out of them stops and turns into heated breaths. Phil didn’t expect to relax enough to give into something like this so soon, but he can’t help rolling his hips down once the feeling starts to stir.

“Does it really turn you on?” Phil asks once he pulls back.

“Kind of,” Dan chuckles. “Is that bad?”

Phil pushes into Dan’s hands and shakes his head. Something that results in being grabbed like this can’t be bad. And besides, there is something hot about commitment. Phil won’t pretend he doesn’t get it.

“It’s good,” Phil murmurs.

They won’t have energy to fuck now. They will kiss and it will fade out and they will fall asleep. But it feels good right now, to move together in gentle rocking motions while Dan’s real sex noises come out, soft and unintentional.

The Vidcon anxiety rolls off Phil’s shoulders. He will deal with it later. They have a holiday to look forward to for now, and that is where his focus should lie. For now he has his fiancé, and kisses, and soft touches, and arms to fall asleep in.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! <3
> 
> [tumblr post](https://intoapuddle.tumblr.com/post/186347648673/held-t-16k-words-hurtcomfort-anxiety) | likes & reblogs are appreciated!
> 
> /but honestly go read renee's fics it's worth it


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